I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
