You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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