just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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