Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
