im drinking this country out of the recession.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
