so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
