you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
