Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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