I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
