Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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