and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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