he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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