i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
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I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just high enough for therapy.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
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My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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