Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i came on her dog
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
