fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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