1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
