I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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