I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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