whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
