Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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