did you get engaged???
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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