I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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