tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
