We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
