Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
