you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
