I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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