I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
