I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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