These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
