wrigley field is MILF paradise
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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