nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
