I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
