R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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