i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize