On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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