Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
