Swine flu. Run for my life!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
