there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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