i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
