why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
