i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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