well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Drake has all the answers
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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