just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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