I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
