the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
