Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
