Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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