Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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