I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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