So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
