I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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