that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
