he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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