I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
