Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
3pm strippers are depressing
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
