just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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