So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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