Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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