Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
