She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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