Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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