How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
