The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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